NavigationUser loginFallen UnexpectedlyLatest Stories
Search |
Chapter 8 part 1- A Little Persuasion Goes a Long WayImrra’s eyes opened to the semi-darkness that came before dawn. He was wondering what could have woken him up. After getting up and stretching to get the blood flowing into his muscles again, he stepped out and looked to the sky. He looked at one of Rith’s moons and saw that it had nearly reached the horizon. Now he was even more curious as to what could have awoken him before dawn. On a sudden impulse, he began to walk to Selka’s hut. When he arrived, he searched for his younger brother, but could not find him. Where is he? He thought, his slitted eyes narrowing. He knew Selka always woke up after dawn. Exiting Selka’s hut, Imrra flicked out his tongue several times and quickly caught Selka’s scent. He decided to follow the trail and find where his brother had gone. He eventually reached the fringe of the jungle where the scent continued on into the trees and shrubbery. He must have left the village! He probably went to find that bitch of his! If he comes back, he will be punished so damn severely that he will never disobey me again! Both he and the Nigrum Mortifer tribe will suffer greatly! I must finish up my plan before Selka begins plotting against me. Imrra left the forest’s edge and headed back to his hut in order to finish his plans. ***** Meanwhile as dawn arrived, Nick had awoken and was readying himself for the day. After bathing in an iron tub filled with cold water from the well in the village, he dressed in a clean pare uniform he had in his pack. Then he walked into the room that Beth was in. He kneeled by where she lay and looked closely at her. Her breath was ragged and her face looked much thinner than it had been before. “She was awake a little earlier.” Startled by the sudden voice, Nick quickly stood up and turned towards the doorway. He watched as Zila walked into the room and replaced the damp towel that lay on Beth’s head with a warm one. “When did you get here?” Nick asked. “About an hour ago,” she answered, now changing the dressing on Beth’s wound. “I came here to check on Beth. She woke up a few minutes after I got here.” “Did she say anything?” “She did, but I couldn’t catch most of what she said. Her voice was pretty weak and muted. I did here her when she asked me where she was. She talked about someone that she wanted to see, but I didn’t catch their name.” “It’s a good thing that she’s talking isn’t it?” Nick asked a little anxiously. Zila sighed. “Normally it would be, but she isn’t getting any better physically. There is still a big chance that she won’t make it.” Finished re-dressing Beth’s wound, Zila stood up and turned to Nick. “To be honest, I don’t think she can hang on for much longer,” she said with a sorrowful expression. “How are we going to tell this to Selka?” Nick asked, his voice filled with sadness. “I think that it would be best if I were the one to tell him,” Zila said. “I believe it would also be for the best that if I were the only one here when he arrives.” “Why?” “If we were all here to comfort him when he sees Beth, he could feel overwhelmed by everything. I want to make this as easy as possible for him.” Nick thought about Zila had just said. Selka did seem kind, and it would be a bit unfair to crowd him. “Okay,” he said. “But what will the rest of us do?” “I’ve already sent Erin away. She needs to find a member of our tribe to live with while she’s here. Most of the villagers are awake by now, so I suggested that she starts asking around.” Zila paused and grinned slightly, a mischievous light twinkling in her eyes. “As for you and Zassira, you two can go and get some breakfast together.” Nick was becoming familiar with that look of hers and wondered what she was inferring, though he could guess. “What are you up to Zila?” he asked warily. “Oh come on Nick,” Zila said, her grin becoming a smile. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed how Zassira looks at you.” Nick frowned slightly as he thought. “Well, I have caught her glancing at me a couple times, but I don’t think it means anything.” “I can tell that she’s fond of you, even though she won’t admit it to herself. She’s never been like this with anybody. It’s a little harder to tell than with Zassira, but I can tell that you feel the same way about her.” Just at that moment, Zassira walked into the room. “Good morning Zila,” she said. “Glad to see you’re up Zass,” Zila replied, grinning. Zassira then noticed Nick and blushed ever so slightly, the memory of the previous night’s kiss still fresh in her mind. “Oh… hi Nick,” she said hesitantly. “Hi Zassira,” Nick responded, trying not to seem nervous. Seeing this, Zila decided to put her plan for them in motion. “Nick and I were talking about today,” she said to Zassira, “and I told him that it would be best if I’m the only one here to comfort Selka when he sees Beth. I don’t want him to feel crowded.” Zassira nodded. “Okay, but what should I do in the meantime?” “Nick and I talked about that too,” Zila said, doing her best look innocent. “I said that you two should go get breakfast together. It’ll give you a chance to get to know each other better.” Zassira eyed Zila suspiciously, sensing that her hatch-mate was up to something. She didn’t want to say no and seem rude or offend him, which was the last thing she wanted to do. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be around Nick, there was just this feeling that was unfamiliar to her that arose when she was around him. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” Zassira said a little slowly. She looked over at Nick. “Could you give Zila and I some time to talk alone?” Zassira asked politely. Nick nodded and said, “I’ll just wait for you outside then.” “Thank you. I’ll be there in a minute Nick.” Nick nodded again and left the room. After Nick left, Zassira turned to Zila. “Zila! What are you doing?” she hissed quietly so that Nick wouldn’t hear. “What do you mean?” Zila asked, still trying to look innocent. She couldn’t hold the innocent expression anymore, and the grin she had been holding back broke out onto her muscle. “I knew!” Zassira hissed again. “You are up to something aren’t you?” “Fine, I give up,” Zila said, now trying not to giggle. She and Zassira had gone through this countless time when they were young and even several times as the young adults that they currently were. Zila never was malicious in her jokes or pranks, so she and Zassira usually had a good laugh about it in the end. Despite the fact that she was having fun trying her paw at matchmaking, Zila’s intentions were more serious than in the past. She believed that what she was doing was for Zassira’s own good. Zila knew Zassira do it without any persuasion and she didn’t want the Black Mamba that was the closest thing to a sister she had to be alone for the rest of her life. Zassira thought hard for a moment, then she sighed. Now that Zassira was standing there and waiting for an explanation, Zila knew that she would have to tell her the reasons why she had set her up. “Zass,” she started, her grin starting to fade a bit, “I can tell you have feelings for Nick even if you won’t admit it to yourself. I’ve seen the way you look at him sometimes, and I’ve seen the way he looks at you too. I’m doing this for your own good Zass. I know he’s a fur, but please just give him a chance.” Zila gazed at her hatch-mate as she awaited her answer. “Okay, I’ll go with him today, but I don’t think it’s going to go further than just friends living together,” Zassira said. Hearing this, Zila’s grin returned. “Oh come on Zass, don’t be so negative. Everything is going to go just fine. You should get going. It wouldn’t be polite to keep him waiting much longer.” Zila’s mood was infectious and Zassira couldn’t help but smile a little herself. “Some snakes never change,” she said, chuckling at her hatch-mate. “I’ll see you later Zila. Good luck with Selka.” “I’ll do what I can Zass,” Zila said somewhat seriously. Zassira nodded and left the hut. When Zassira had walked out into the daylight, she looked around and spotted Nick leaning against the hut with his back to the wall. “I’m sorry for taking so long,” she said apologetically. Nick looked into her eyes and smiled. “It’s okay,” he said. They stared into each other’s eyes in silence, unsure of what to do or say next. “Um, I guess we should get going,” Nick finally said. “Yeah”, Zassira simply replied. Yeah? she thought to herself. Is that the best I could come up with? Nick hesitated for a few seconds before offering her his arm, his heart beating quickly with nervousness. Zassira hesitated as well before she accepted his, her heartbeat quickening just as much as Nick’s was. Nick nervously nodded to Zassira and they started making their way to the ‘kitchen’ huts arm in arm, both thinking of how they had never felt this way about anybody else before. ***** As Nick and Zassira left the hut, Selka and Koren had just finished preparing for the day. Koren walked up to Selka and placed a friendly paw on his shoulder. “Are you ready to go Selka?” Selka nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be my friend,” he replied. With that, they left Koren’s hut and headed towards Zassira’s hut. They walked on in silence. Selka could sense Koren’s grim mood and began to get a little worried. He began to worry that Beth was not in as good a condition as he was hoping.
|
What happens next???
Please consider writing more about this world in general, but especially this particular storyline. I cannot hardly wait for the next chapter, so PLEASE think it over??
Thank You for your time :) TM
Paragraph's are your friend
One issue I have with this story, and others that I have read on both this site and on other sites is the lack of paragraph use. The shortest paragraph here was 94 words. The longest was a monstrous 568 words!
I'd suggest that every author pick up some reference books that detail proper grammar and writing concepts. I'm not going to recommend any right now because the ones I use are on a shelf at home and I want to get the titles and authors correct when I post them.
One rule that everyone should follow is that when writing dialog each time a different character speaks it should start a new paragraph.
For example, here is part of the second paragraph shown above:
Meanwhile as dawn arrived, Nick had awoken and was readying himself for the day. After bathing in an iron tub filled with cold water from the well in the village, he dressed in a clean pare uniform he had in his pack. Then he walked into the room that Beth was in. He kneeled by where she lay and looked closely at her. Her breath was ragged and her face looked much thinner than it had been before. “She was awake a little earlier.” Startled by the sudden voice, Nick quickly stood up and turned towards the doorway. He watched as Zila walked into the room and replaced the damp towel that lay on Beth’s head with a warm one. “When did you get here?” Nick asked. “About an hour ago,” she answered, now changing the dressing on Beth’s wound. “I came here to check on Beth. She woke up a few minutes after I got here.” “Did she say anything?” “She did, but I couldn’t catch most of what she said. Her voice was pretty weak and muted. I did here her when she asked me where she was. She talked about someone that she wanted to see, but I didn’t catch their name.”
Here is how it should be written (with minimal editing on my part for paragraphs. I did nothing about the grammar or spelling mistakes.):
Meanwhile as dawn arrived, Nick had awoken and was readying himself for the day. After bathing in an iron tub filled with cold water from the well in the village, he dressed in a clean pare uniform he had in his pack. Then he walked into the room that Beth was in. He kneeled by where she lay and looked closely at her. Her breath was ragged and her face looked much thinner than it had been before.
“She was awake a little earlier.”
Startled by the sudden voice, Nick quickly stood up and turned towards the doorway. He watched as Zila walked into the room and replaced the damp towel that lay on Beth’s head with a warm one.
“When did you get here?” Nick asked.
“About an hour ago,” she answered, now changing the dressing on Beth’s wound. “I came here to check on Beth. She woke up a few minutes after I got here.”
“Did she say anything?”
“She did, but I couldn’t catch most of what she said. Her voice was pretty weak and muted. I did here her when she asked me where she was. She talked about someone that she wanted to see, but I didn’t catch their name.”
Here is the paragraph with all of the grammar and spelling corrections I could make:
Meanwhile, as dawn arrived, Nick had awoken and was readying himself for the day. After bathing in an iron tub filled with cold water from the well in the village, he dressed in a clean, spare uniform he had in his pack. He then walked to the room where Beth was recovering.
He knelt by her and examined her closely. Her breath was ragged and her face looked much thinner than it had been the last time he had seen her.
“She was awake a little earlier,” said a voice from behind him.
Startled, Nick quickly stood and turned toward the doorway. He watched as Zila walked into the room and over to Beth, where she replaced the damp towel that was on Beth’s forehead with a fresh, warm one.
“When did you get here?”
“About an hour ago,” Zila answered as she began to change the dressing on Beth’s wound. “I wanted to check on Beth. She woke up a few minutes after I got here.”
“Did she say anything?”
“She did, but I couldn’t catch most of what she said. She's still pretty weak and I couldn't hear most of what she said. I did hear her ask where she was. She also said something about someone that she wanted to see, but I didn’t catch the name said mentioned.”
My rewrite of this section is based on my preferences. It's not necessarily going to agree with how other people might rework this section. But there were several changes that had to be made. If you want reasons contact me and I'll give you details.
Anyhow, these are my thoughts on this. Feel free to comment if you have anything that you would like to contribute.
Steve, I wholeheartedly agree, but...
Steve, I agree. I prefer to see at least some competence in the basics and I think it's cool that we can go back and edit our stories. However, I don't agree with one of your paragraph splits:
Startled, Nick quickly stood and turned toward the doorway. He watched as Zila walked into the room and over to Beth, where she replaced the damp towel that was on Beth's forehead with a fresh, warm one.
"When did you get here?"
Leading off a paragraph with dialog makes the dialog pop, but because both of these paragraphs belong to Nick putting the dialog in a separate paragraph confuses the reader. In the middle version you kept the speech tag of "Nick asked," which helps, but like you I don't care for unnecessary speech tags.
Because of this I'd suggest:
Startled, Nick quickly stood and turned toward the doorway. He watched as Zila walked into the room and over to Beth, where she replaced the damp towel that was on Beth's forehead with a fresh, warm one. "When did you get here?"
I'd also like to point out a couple of minor grammar flaws in the first sentence. "Had awoken" is past perfect tense and "was readying" past continuous tense.
Past perfect does little but lard our prose with unnecessary words. I wouldn't use it in simple narrative, but I might if the narrative was a flashback, and particularly if it was a "mini" flashback—say only a single paragraph or less. For example:
Tyrone's thoughts drifted back to a time when people had been kind.
"Drifted" is simple past tense (assume this example is lifted from a story written in third person past tense—as many are), but "had been" is past perfect tense. I sometimes think of it as past, past tense. Used this way I feel it gives the sentence a bit of clarity.
I think of "ing" words as continuous tense, although my style book calls them progressive tense. For example compare these two sentences:
Tyrone punched Willis until a guard grabbed him from behind and lifted him off his feet.
Tyrone was punching Willis until a guard grabbed him from behind and lifted him off his feet.
How many times did Tyrone punch Willis? The first example "punched" implies once, but the "until" implies it was more than once. The sentence is in conflict with itself. In the second example he punched and punched and punched… it doesn't say how many times. The second example makes more sense.
Let's fix Khris' first sentence. I'll quote the whole paragraph:
Meanwhile, as dawn arrived, Nick awoke and readied himself for the day. After bathing in an iron tub filled with cold water from the well in the village, he dressed in a clean, spare uniform he had in his pack. He then walked to the room where Beth was recovering.
For me the "After bathing" works, but I can't explain why. Maybe it's the structure of the overall sentence, but the "after bathing" suggests he took his time in the bath. However, I get the feeling this is a period piece and bathing was a rare event. Well water was too precious, there was a goofy rumor going around (that lasted centuries) that taking a bath caused disease, and if Nick cared for Beth he wouldn't have wasted the time. Now if Nick were an otter, mink, or moose he'd probably leap into the river every morning before putting on his clothes.
Note that, "where Beth was recovering," is perfect. She was recovering before the sentence, during the sentence, and she was still recovering after the sentence. Her act of recovering consumed a span of time.
The last paragraph: I like Khris' version much better than Steve's. I think it's mostly a matter of editing. If you read both out loud you'll see what I mean. Steve's has a plurality of redundancy which grates against the ear.
I would simplify Khris' original, but not by much:
"She did, but I couldn't catch most of what she said. Her voice was pretty weak. I understood when she asked me where she was. Then she talked about someone she wanted to see, but I didn't catch the name."
Less is more.
"Ly" adverbs, are they the tools of the devil? Maybe not, but they are a sign of poor writing. The first sentence is Khris' and the second is Steve's:
He kneeled by where she lay and looked closely at her.
He knelt by her and examined her closely.
In Khris' original sentence he tries to fix up "looked" by using the adverb "closely". If "looked" is weak, then replace it. Steve does this, but leaves "closely" in the sentence. "Examined" is stronger than "looked" and doesn't need the adverb.
A couple of possibilities:
He knelt by her and examined her.
He knelt at her side and examined her.
It isn't just the "ly" adverbs and adjectives, but all adverbs and adjectives that we need to guard against. Too many words suck the power from our prose. The "ly" adverbs and adjectives are easier to spot and therefore get more attention.
A lot of this takes practice, and of course some knowledge of what works and what doesn't. I find that books on writing, classes, critique groups, and feedback from people who know, can all accelerate the learning process. Steve knows and I know, that we disagree on some things doesn't mean one is right and the other wrong. When getting feedback having multiple opinions helps.
It's been said that to reach publication quality a writer needs to write a million words. Sadly, I've seen writers who've produced five-million and they're still nowhere near publication quality.
Desire to improve is number one, but practice and instruction are critical too.
Best of luck with your writing. And keep at it!
Scotty
------
Anthrofiction Network
"Give me one reason to stay here"
Or so sang Tracy Chapman. The problem I have with the story is it looks so hard to read that I just skip over it. Also, I didn't see a synopsis or blurb (ie, the 'back cover of the book' description) so there is nothing that hooks me and draws me in. I'm sorry to say that for these two reasons I have not read your story. It seems like a lot of work and, as the reader, you haven't told me what I'm going to get out of it.
----------
Always,
Nathan "Nadan" R.
'He is the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to him. Then he goes out to the Wet Wild Woods or up the Wet Wild Trees or on the Wet Wild Roofs, waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone.'